It was a year ago to the day that I started bleeding with the miscarriage from our first pregnancy. One year ago. I remember feeling angry, lost, hurt, hopeless, and not knowing where to turn. The year was filled with so many questions, such searching, hurt feelings, and more anger and bitterness as my husband and I tried to make sense of all we were going through.
A year later, and I am 13 weeks pregnant with twins. I. Am. Pregnant.
I don't have answers to all the questions. I still am working through the feelings of all we have gone through these past 6 years. But what I do know, and what I want to share, is that there is always hope. Even in the times that seem so dark, and when it seems like there is nowhere else to turn, hope is there. You may need to borrow hope from someone else for a while, but it will come back. It's like, as humans, we don't have an option but to choose hope. We need hope in order to survive. And at the end of the day, you never know what a year may bring.
Today I am celebrating. I am home from Australia, on a mini-vacation with my husband, my dog, and my two little ragamuffins, cooking away inside of me. Thank you Lord, for this special time. May I treasure every moment.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
12 Weeks!!!!! Happy dance!!!!
I just wanted to give a quick little update to mention that I have officially reached 12 WEEKS!!!! This was a huge milestone in my mind (partially because I miscarried around 12 weeks last time). As far as I know the little babies are doing fine. My belly is growing and I have on and off symptoms, but they aren't keeping me from enjoying my vacation (besides my 9pm bedtime every night...fortunately my sister has a 7 month old so it's not like we would be out partying anyways). I'm currently staying in a gorgeous beach side resort near Cairns, Australia so I'm going to enjoy my time by the pool, and sipping on chilled lemon lime bitters (my new favourite non-alcoholic Australian drink). I'll be sure to update lots more once I'm home again, with pictures, of course!
Friday, April 26, 2013
I'm off!
I can't believe it but the time has come. Tomorrow I am off to Australia. I am not sure if I will post during that time or not, but I'm sure I will fill you in somewhere along the way. See you around!!!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Midwives and being "found out"
Just a quick update on my day today (it was quite eventful!). This is a pregnancy post, and I think for the next little while a lot of my posts will be. If you don't feel like reading the blog for a while, just skip on over.
I had my first midwives visit today. While they had assured me that my OB would not mind "shared care," it appeared he did mind it when I brought it up. Still, he said it was my choice so I decided to go for the initial visit. I am glad I did. They give you much more time to ask questions and take care of you. And, the best part is the post-partum care. For the first 10 days they check up on you every other day (or every day, if needed), and then once a week for the first 6 weeks. They offer lots of support for breastfeeding, and told me that with twins I will need that support. Anyways, the visit was mostly just gathering information, but the midwife did offer to check the heartbeat. She said she probably would only look for one, but I readily agreed. It took her quite a while to find it because the baby was really low and behind one of my blood vessels, but eventually we heard it! It was beating nice and strong at 160-170bpm. She didn't try to find the second one, but just hearing that one was enough for me. It made my day!
So at work today (I'm a counsellor if you didn't know), I had a client come in and state, "Well, I can't keep it in any longer. I have to ask it.... are you pregnant?" I knew I couldn't lie to her and make her feel terrible, so I told her the truth. It just caught me right off guard! She claimed she knew almost 5 weeks ago, which is ridiculous. I couldn't blame her though, because I seriously am showing like crazy right now. In the past few days it really just happened and it is soooo hard to hide. I am so glad I am heading off on a vacation so I can hide away until I have an unmistakable bump! I haven't told my co-workers though, and I'm in a dilemma what to do now. I'm sure they must suspect it, but I don't know how to tell them. I don't see all of them in one day, and I don't know who to tell first, or what. I am thinking of maybe leaving them a note when I'm gone for the next staff meeting that I will miss. Or just breaking the news to some of them before I leave tomorrow? We'll see.
Anyways, today I definitely feel pregnant! It feels real too. Oh, and I had my first real twin dream last night! I dreamed it was the day they were born, and we had them at home all swaddled up. They were sooooo perfect and cute! The only thing was, they just kept sleeping and sleeping. They wouldn't wake up to eat, or cry, or poop. I kept checking on them to make sure they were alive, and they were... they were just enjoying their sound sleeping time. All of a sudden this pregnancy feels very real!
I had my first midwives visit today. While they had assured me that my OB would not mind "shared care," it appeared he did mind it when I brought it up. Still, he said it was my choice so I decided to go for the initial visit. I am glad I did. They give you much more time to ask questions and take care of you. And, the best part is the post-partum care. For the first 10 days they check up on you every other day (or every day, if needed), and then once a week for the first 6 weeks. They offer lots of support for breastfeeding, and told me that with twins I will need that support. Anyways, the visit was mostly just gathering information, but the midwife did offer to check the heartbeat. She said she probably would only look for one, but I readily agreed. It took her quite a while to find it because the baby was really low and behind one of my blood vessels, but eventually we heard it! It was beating nice and strong at 160-170bpm. She didn't try to find the second one, but just hearing that one was enough for me. It made my day!
So at work today (I'm a counsellor if you didn't know), I had a client come in and state, "Well, I can't keep it in any longer. I have to ask it.... are you pregnant?" I knew I couldn't lie to her and make her feel terrible, so I told her the truth. It just caught me right off guard! She claimed she knew almost 5 weeks ago, which is ridiculous. I couldn't blame her though, because I seriously am showing like crazy right now. In the past few days it really just happened and it is soooo hard to hide. I am so glad I am heading off on a vacation so I can hide away until I have an unmistakable bump! I haven't told my co-workers though, and I'm in a dilemma what to do now. I'm sure they must suspect it, but I don't know how to tell them. I don't see all of them in one day, and I don't know who to tell first, or what. I am thinking of maybe leaving them a note when I'm gone for the next staff meeting that I will miss. Or just breaking the news to some of them before I leave tomorrow? We'll see.
Anyways, today I definitely feel pregnant! It feels real too. Oh, and I had my first real twin dream last night! I dreamed it was the day they were born, and we had them at home all swaddled up. They were sooooo perfect and cute! The only thing was, they just kept sleeping and sleeping. They wouldn't wake up to eat, or cry, or poop. I kept checking on them to make sure they were alive, and they were... they were just enjoying their sound sleeping time. All of a sudden this pregnancy feels very real!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
First OB Visit
We had our first OB visit (in our own city!) today. It went fine, but wasn't anything ground-breaking exciting. I like the personality of our OB, but today he seemed especially distracted and not fully focused on us. He did congratulate us, but hadn't looked at our file, so didn't even know we were having twins. I also caught him looking at his watch, but we did not take nearly the 30 minutes we were allotted. I guess I was a bit disappointed, but it's not like I have much choice in this small town.
Basically, he just wanted to gather information from us. How we got pregnant, when my last cycle started, when the IUI was. He gave us our estimated due date (EDD) - Nov. 22nd - but briefly touched on how twins reach full term earlier. He did give me some helpful information about when I will likely want to stop working. It is even earlier than I expected... probably at the beginning of September! That kind of messes up my work situation, but oh well! I'll try to keep myself busy this summer and see how things go.
He didn't check the babies' heartbeats, which was disappointing. He said that this early he wouldn't be sure he could hear them and didn't want to scare us if he couldn't. I know others have heard heartbeats this early, but maybe the technology they use isn't as advanced? Oh well! Since we've heard them once I am pretty happy. When I'm back from my trip we will have another appointment and hopefully hear them then. If not, he will send us for an u/s. Otherwise, my next u/s will be my 18-19 week detailed scan. Wow! I'm actually pretty happy as I was doing reading on ultrasounds this week and became a bit wary of them. I don't want to subject my babies to more than I need to. We also decided not to do the NT testing so my next appointment is right around 13 weeks.
I also asked about my trip to Australia, and he had some helpful tips. The biggest concern for a flight of that length is leg clots, so he told me to take low dose aspirin, wear support stockings, and try to walk around every 2 hours or so. He also said I could increase my exercise a bit and do some yoga or swimming now. He said that I should take advantage of being active while I can, because the later stages of twin pregnancies get very uncomfortable. He talked a bit about the risks of twin pregnancies, specifically pre-term labour, but assured me that I will be well monitored once I reach that stage. Unfortunately, this OB will be on holidays during the time I will be giving birth, so I will have a replacement doctor. I asked about sharing care with the midwives in town (because they had assured me that he would be open to this), but he really tried to talk me out of it. Sigh. I do have an initial consult with them tomorrow so I will see how it goes. I like the idea of using them in addition to the OB because they provide after-birth care and even come to your home a number of times to make sure that you are settling in nicely.
And that was about it. I didn't really find out much that I didn't know beforehand, but it's a start. Afterwards DH said that we should go out to celebrate. I asked him what we were celebrating, and he replied that at least this was a much better experience than last time we were in that office (which was when I was miscarrying my last pregnancy). I definitely agreed so we went out for brunch (where I ate WAY too much food) and spent the morning together. I can't really believe this is all happening. I just keep going a day at a time, and I'm still pregnant!
Basically, he just wanted to gather information from us. How we got pregnant, when my last cycle started, when the IUI was. He gave us our estimated due date (EDD) - Nov. 22nd - but briefly touched on how twins reach full term earlier. He did give me some helpful information about when I will likely want to stop working. It is even earlier than I expected... probably at the beginning of September! That kind of messes up my work situation, but oh well! I'll try to keep myself busy this summer and see how things go.
He didn't check the babies' heartbeats, which was disappointing. He said that this early he wouldn't be sure he could hear them and didn't want to scare us if he couldn't. I know others have heard heartbeats this early, but maybe the technology they use isn't as advanced? Oh well! Since we've heard them once I am pretty happy. When I'm back from my trip we will have another appointment and hopefully hear them then. If not, he will send us for an u/s. Otherwise, my next u/s will be my 18-19 week detailed scan. Wow! I'm actually pretty happy as I was doing reading on ultrasounds this week and became a bit wary of them. I don't want to subject my babies to more than I need to. We also decided not to do the NT testing so my next appointment is right around 13 weeks.
I also asked about my trip to Australia, and he had some helpful tips. The biggest concern for a flight of that length is leg clots, so he told me to take low dose aspirin, wear support stockings, and try to walk around every 2 hours or so. He also said I could increase my exercise a bit and do some yoga or swimming now. He said that I should take advantage of being active while I can, because the later stages of twin pregnancies get very uncomfortable. He talked a bit about the risks of twin pregnancies, specifically pre-term labour, but assured me that I will be well monitored once I reach that stage. Unfortunately, this OB will be on holidays during the time I will be giving birth, so I will have a replacement doctor. I asked about sharing care with the midwives in town (because they had assured me that he would be open to this), but he really tried to talk me out of it. Sigh. I do have an initial consult with them tomorrow so I will see how it goes. I like the idea of using them in addition to the OB because they provide after-birth care and even come to your home a number of times to make sure that you are settling in nicely.
And that was about it. I didn't really find out much that I didn't know beforehand, but it's a start. Afterwards DH said that we should go out to celebrate. I asked him what we were celebrating, and he replied that at least this was a much better experience than last time we were in that office (which was when I was miscarrying my last pregnancy). I definitely agreed so we went out for brunch (where I ate WAY too much food) and spent the morning together. I can't really believe this is all happening. I just keep going a day at a time, and I'm still pregnant!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Sex, after pregnancy, after infertility
This post is not just about sex... I just thought that was a catchy title.
This post is about the loss of pleasure in all aspects of life I normally enjoy. It's not a depression thing. I've been depressed before and I don't feel that way at all. I just feel like I have an inability to enjoy the things that normally bring me great enjoyment. Sex is one of them.
People always talk about the way that infertility affects your sex life. Well let me tell you, if you're not one of those lucky people whose hormones rage to let you enjoy sex more once you're pregnant, you are out of luck. I seem to be one of those people. At least right now. It started off with a fear and worry of not wanting to "get in the way" of anything that might be going on in there. As much as they say that sex can't affect a baby, it just doesn't seem to be intuitive to mess around in there too much. After the u/s, DH became paranoid and didn't want to disturb things either. And since that time, I have felt fat, nauseaus, grumpy, and plain old not in the mood. Hopefully things will change once we reach the second trimester.
The other thing I have stopped enjoying is food! This seems counter-productive as I am hungry ALL the time! I have moments of feeling ravenous, but once I eat, I don't actually enjoy the food. I have aversions to food, but so far no major cravings. Sometimes I'll have a craving but by the time I get to it, I don't actually care for what I am eating any longer. And this is the one time I have license to eat whatever I want! Haha...ironic!
Other than that, I am going about my daily routine and activities, but not really enjoying things...drinking tea...visiting with friends...walking in the sunshine. I guess I would attribute it to just feeling a bit icky all the time.
Let me say though, I am NOT complaining! I just found this to be an interesting observation about being pregnant. I actually kind of enjoy the license not to enjoy things. There is no pressure and if I don't feel like doing something, I just don't have to! Every day that passes fills me with greater excitement about these little beings growing inside of me. Part of me feels guarded still and is not feeling super attached, and yet I another part of me is longing for the permission to bond with these babies. I think it is a natural process that will unfold in the right time. Tomorrow I am off to the OB... I will update you on how it goes!
This post is about the loss of pleasure in all aspects of life I normally enjoy. It's not a depression thing. I've been depressed before and I don't feel that way at all. I just feel like I have an inability to enjoy the things that normally bring me great enjoyment. Sex is one of them.
People always talk about the way that infertility affects your sex life. Well let me tell you, if you're not one of those lucky people whose hormones rage to let you enjoy sex more once you're pregnant, you are out of luck. I seem to be one of those people. At least right now. It started off with a fear and worry of not wanting to "get in the way" of anything that might be going on in there. As much as they say that sex can't affect a baby, it just doesn't seem to be intuitive to mess around in there too much. After the u/s, DH became paranoid and didn't want to disturb things either. And since that time, I have felt fat, nauseaus, grumpy, and plain old not in the mood. Hopefully things will change once we reach the second trimester.
The other thing I have stopped enjoying is food! This seems counter-productive as I am hungry ALL the time! I have moments of feeling ravenous, but once I eat, I don't actually enjoy the food. I have aversions to food, but so far no major cravings. Sometimes I'll have a craving but by the time I get to it, I don't actually care for what I am eating any longer. And this is the one time I have license to eat whatever I want! Haha...ironic!
Other than that, I am going about my daily routine and activities, but not really enjoying things...drinking tea...visiting with friends...walking in the sunshine. I guess I would attribute it to just feeling a bit icky all the time.
Let me say though, I am NOT complaining! I just found this to be an interesting observation about being pregnant. I actually kind of enjoy the license not to enjoy things. There is no pressure and if I don't feel like doing something, I just don't have to! Every day that passes fills me with greater excitement about these little beings growing inside of me. Part of me feels guarded still and is not feeling super attached, and yet I another part of me is longing for the permission to bond with these babies. I think it is a natural process that will unfold in the right time. Tomorrow I am off to the OB... I will update you on how it goes!
Friday, April 19, 2013
9 Weeks!
(This is a pregnancy post. Feel free to skip over if you're not into reading it at this time.)
I wasn't planning to do weekly updates continually, but I'm finding it's helpful to ground myself and have something to work towards. These are more for my benefit of keeping things straight and remembering what I am going through.
Today I am 9 weeks! Again, it is going so slowly, yet I can't believe we are this far too. There is a bit of discrepancy as to whether I am 9 weeks today, or 9w3d. See, my ultrasound pics were dated at 8w1d, which confused me because according to my count, we were only 7w4d at that point. The babies were measuring 7w4d and 7w3d. So, I called my doctor's office to confirm. They explained that they count from the time of the IUI, as if the IUI took place on day 14. But for me, it took place on day 11. So, if you count from my last menstrual period (LMP), I am 9 weeks today, but if you count from the IUI, I am a few days later. Does that make sense? I don't really know which is correct, but it doesn't matter. The babies were still measuring right on track, and both days produce the same estimated due date. I'm still going by the dates from my LMP, which is why I say I am 9 weeks today.
This week was not too much different than last week. I am having a harder time wanting to eat food, even though at times I am ravenously hungry still (first thing in the morning and at lunch). I usually have to force down dinner, and I find I get full super quick too! Usually mid-afternoon and in the evening is when the morning sickness hits. It's usually bad at night, and I am so tired that I just go to bed at 9:00 rather than staying up and feeling sick. However, the past few days I haven't been SO tired, and have stayed up later and not needed to nap during the day. My breasts just got sore again. I actually went bra shopping to find something more comfortable because at the end of the day my boobs are just dying to get out of the bra. I've haven't gone up a whole cup size, but I've filled it out nicely and had to expand the bra length to make it around my torso. That's the other thing... I definitely do not have a flat stomach! It is always worst at night (gas and bloating) but there is always a bit of a bump. Fortunately my bloating has gone down, but now there is a clear distinction starting to show. I think I will post my bump pictures, for my reference. Oh, and I've gone up 8lbs so far. Not sure how much is bloat... but as soon as I started the clomid I noticed the numbers starting to climb. I do have the linea nigra starting to show on my belly. I noticed it first at like 7 weeks, but now DH can clearly see it too. I haven't been too emotional, but I did cry watching the Voice the other night - at a point that wasn't even sappy. DH just laughed at me. He says that I have been a bit "crazy" lately, but I don't see it. :)
I still worry when my symptoms fluctuate. Shouldn't I be more hungry? Why aren't I tired? Did my tummy get smaller? Why don't I feel sick today? And yet, every day there is a time where I definitely feel pregnant. Plus, no spotting or bleeding is always good! So, that's where I am today! Just over a week until I leave to see my sister! I AM SO EXCITED! And I have my first OB appointment coming up on Wednesday, then a Midwives appointment on Thursday. Oh my! I'll be sure to keep you posted on how they go.
(Also I've added a bump page on the right side of screen if anyone is interested in seeing)
I wasn't planning to do weekly updates continually, but I'm finding it's helpful to ground myself and have something to work towards. These are more for my benefit of keeping things straight and remembering what I am going through.
Today I am 9 weeks! Again, it is going so slowly, yet I can't believe we are this far too. There is a bit of discrepancy as to whether I am 9 weeks today, or 9w3d. See, my ultrasound pics were dated at 8w1d, which confused me because according to my count, we were only 7w4d at that point. The babies were measuring 7w4d and 7w3d. So, I called my doctor's office to confirm. They explained that they count from the time of the IUI, as if the IUI took place on day 14. But for me, it took place on day 11. So, if you count from my last menstrual period (LMP), I am 9 weeks today, but if you count from the IUI, I am a few days later. Does that make sense? I don't really know which is correct, but it doesn't matter. The babies were still measuring right on track, and both days produce the same estimated due date. I'm still going by the dates from my LMP, which is why I say I am 9 weeks today.
This week was not too much different than last week. I am having a harder time wanting to eat food, even though at times I am ravenously hungry still (first thing in the morning and at lunch). I usually have to force down dinner, and I find I get full super quick too! Usually mid-afternoon and in the evening is when the morning sickness hits. It's usually bad at night, and I am so tired that I just go to bed at 9:00 rather than staying up and feeling sick. However, the past few days I haven't been SO tired, and have stayed up later and not needed to nap during the day. My breasts just got sore again. I actually went bra shopping to find something more comfortable because at the end of the day my boobs are just dying to get out of the bra. I've haven't gone up a whole cup size, but I've filled it out nicely and had to expand the bra length to make it around my torso. That's the other thing... I definitely do not have a flat stomach! It is always worst at night (gas and bloating) but there is always a bit of a bump. Fortunately my bloating has gone down, but now there is a clear distinction starting to show. I think I will post my bump pictures, for my reference. Oh, and I've gone up 8lbs so far. Not sure how much is bloat... but as soon as I started the clomid I noticed the numbers starting to climb. I do have the linea nigra starting to show on my belly. I noticed it first at like 7 weeks, but now DH can clearly see it too. I haven't been too emotional, but I did cry watching the Voice the other night - at a point that wasn't even sappy. DH just laughed at me. He says that I have been a bit "crazy" lately, but I don't see it. :)
I still worry when my symptoms fluctuate. Shouldn't I be more hungry? Why aren't I tired? Did my tummy get smaller? Why don't I feel sick today? And yet, every day there is a time where I definitely feel pregnant. Plus, no spotting or bleeding is always good! So, that's where I am today! Just over a week until I leave to see my sister! I AM SO EXCITED! And I have my first OB appointment coming up on Wednesday, then a Midwives appointment on Thursday. Oh my! I'll be sure to keep you posted on how they go.
(Also I've added a bump page on the right side of screen if anyone is interested in seeing)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)